FOUR LOKO ― it courses through the veins of an army of homeless fucks, trend-mindful hipsters, and violent children every night across America.
THE 23.5 OZ. CAN IS 12% JET FUEL, LADEN WITH MIND NUMBING QUANTITIES OF CAFFEINE, FOOD COLORING, MYRIAD HERBS AND MYSTERY CHEMICALS. BRIGHT COLORS AND AGGRESSIVE TYPEFACES CALL OUT TO THE DEVELOPING MINDS OF STUDENTS, PROMISING STIMULATION, PROMISING DANGER.
It is camouflage.
RESPONSIBLE ADULTS MISTAKE THE VIVID ALUMINUM CYLINDERS FOR ENERGY DRINKS OR SOME OTHER YOUTH-TARGETED MAGIC SODA, DEAF TO THE SIREN SONG OF THE LOKO.
BUT WE crave the song. IT beats as our hearts BEAT. THE LOKO is the blood in our veins.
THE FIRST SIP BRINGS WITH IT A SUDDEN SHOCK OF ECSTASY. PUMPING ITS POISON THROUGH THE BODY, THE VICTIM IS MADE TO REACT AS THE DISTINCT TASTE OF PAINT THINNER ROLLS THROUGH HER MOUTH. SALIVA BEGINS TO OOZE FROM BENEATH HER TONGUE TO PROTECT THE SOFT TISSUE OF HER CHEEK AND GUM FROM THE TOXIC ONSLAUGHT.
In a matter of minutes, the first can is consumed. Her senses are heightened, her pupils wide open, her palms sweat but the LOKO high has overtaken her. She bares her teeth in a crazed grin, apt to take on the world.
OK HERE I HAVE TO STOP A SECOND AND EXPLAIN.
FOUR LOKO is one of a new wave of caffeinated high-energy, high-alcohol fruit-flavored drinks sold for less than $3. Other brands like MAX LIVE, TORQUE and JOOSE also emphasize the altered state of being caused by their product, rather than the traditional alcohol branding emphasis on social status and refined taste.
THESE DRINKS ARE DESIGNED TO FUCK YOU UP.
They will achieve this quickly and efficiently, and you will not spend very much time or money in your pursuit of drooling, quivering bloodshot nirvana.
THE FDA HAS ASKED THE MANUFACTURERS OF THE BEVERAGES TO PROVE THE HEALTHFULNESS OF COMBINING HIGH DOSES OF CAFFEINE WITH ETHANOL. SO FAR, ONLY MOLSON COORS AND ANHEUSER-BUSCH INBEV HAVE ALTERED THEIR RECIPES TO REMOVE CAFFEINE FROM POPULAR FLAVORED DRINKS TILT, SPARKS, AND BUD EXTRA.
The second can of FOUR LOKO usually ends the night for unseasoned fans. Mixing the LOKO with a second form of bev can have interesting results — interesting for everyone else who remembers how hilariously beligerent you were.
Perhaps the best words of advice come from Alex Geiser, a WUTTUP comrade.
“I tried to tell them it’s like a drug — that you don’t need to drink anything else. But they wouldn’t listen.”
